My Bloom

Blog 2: Not Good Enough  

“I can see it in faces, people reading me like a book

Flippin’ through my pages, never a second look 

Disapproval written deep within my soul

Makes me feel like just not good enough”. 

From the song ‘Not Good Enough’ 

I have spent a lifetime suppressing some of my most meaningful dreams, my boldest goals.  Dreams that seemed too far out of reach, too risky, too unrealistic.  Who was I to think that I could even possibly do it. I would find people, events, tasks, jobs and challenges to fulfill.  Truth - I competently fulfilled all of my responsibilities because I was raised with a strong work ethic. Never applied it to the deepest part of me. Surrounded by love but not encouraged to be a risk taker, to be bold, to follow impractical dreams.    I had an overwhelming fear of putting myself on the line. Afraid of  being judged and found to be lacking. Better not to know.  The habit of postponing my life became a ritual. It would take nothing for me to have an idea for something, and then shelve it with ‘legitimate’ reasons. A consummate perfectionist procrastinator. Sound familiar? 

Consequently, I had been in the music business for over 30 years before I recorded my first original CD, ‘Unconditionally’. My husband, producer and occasional mentor, Alfred, finally said “What are you waiting for? The wheelchair years? Let’s do it!” 

I’ve been told that I’m one of those people who has a high fact gathering threshold before I move on an idea. There’s a lot of time that passes between my assembling and researching information and my actual physical action. I attend seminars, online and in person, read articles, talk to people, grow my vision, really see it, put together folders, label them with colorful markers. Then, somehow, the folders end up on the shelf.  Truth. That’s all stuff to avoid doing the project, getting it out there and being judged, being found out.  When I transitioned from classical to pop to jazz, I did a lot of listening to the greats – Peterson, Pete Kelly, Evans, Tyner, Chick, David Kikoski, the Duke and the Count, Ella, Sarah, Joni, Laura Nyro, Phoebe, Beverly Kenney, so many more – all incredible artists and the listening was necessary to my musical evolution and transition. For some reason, all my listening and studying didn’t just inspire me, but it kept me humble – too humble to develop a healthy ego and confidence about who and what I was.  Did I say humble? No, scared to death! The more personal my music, the more fear I experienced - if people rejected my songs, they rejected me.  Though my writing had evolved I was still insecure about my work. Been in a lot of bands doing a wide variety of music - only in the last 10 years have I truly integrated the different styles into my own style. 

So easy to say “Let go”. We procrastinators are skilled at recognizing disapproval, we see it in the eyes, face and attitude of a listener. The unspoken NGE -“Not good enough”.   I knew it had become a ‘thing’, a pattern that I kept repeating and I made up my mind to fix it. Again, sounds easy? It wasn’t. I sought help and was encouraged when my online research led me to seminars about chronic procrastination from which many people suffer, just like  me! And I do mean suffer.  Some of my creative ideas were actually born in high school! They were buried, never realized and haunt me still!  Good, unique ideas, which is what you need to break through in the music business. Buried from fear. 

I took a leap of faith, began a coaching relationship with Deborah Hurwitz –  a talented woman who is skilled, compassionate and experienced in dealing with the very same issues I had. After doing some very serious, honest introspective work, she encouraged me to expand my journal writing by writing original songs that complemented the theme of the week. And lo,  ‘Bloom’ was born! Each song and story is from my heart, from my life. In as much as we are all different and have a set of unique experiences and voices, every time I perform ‘Bloom’, I meet people who tell me things like “I felt like you were singing about me.” “I’ve decided to retire – life is short and I really want to spend my time and enjoy my grandchildren.” “I’ve always wanted to learn the tango – it’s time.” 

I decided to start a Facebook page called “Bloomers” – a place for kindred spirits to discover, support, share and grow as we move towards our personal ‘Bloom.’ 

Would love for you to check it out, join if you are comfortable and share your stories. https://www.facebook.com/groups/mybloomers/ 

Also, if you’re interested in learning more about my coach. Check out  www.deborahhurwitz.com 

 and/or www.freedomforperfectionists.com 

I’ve included the first video I did on the song “Not Good Enough”. Also, a free download of the song demo as well.  Just me squeaking out the song and banging on the piano. In the old days I would never have let it go, way to personal and, you guessed it, just not good enough. But now I’m putting it out there for your review. 

“..and the days turn into weeks, months turn into years,

Life just disappears 

Tired of feeling that I’m just not good enough.” 

Enjoy.

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  1. Not Good Enough

Blog 1: My Bloom   

It's not too hard, it's not too late

So drop your guard, you know you're great

Take a chance, shoot for the moon!

                   Bloom.

         From the song "Bloom"

I tell people I’m blooming. I’m in bloom. You are witnessing the ‘Bloom of Sharman’. Some get it, some don’t. I’m energized, I’m flourishing in a way I have never felt before. So exciting and overwhelming, I want to share it with the world, corny as it may sound.  

The whole idea came from my mother’s greenroom. She spent hours in it, tending to her beloved plants.   

 “Good morning my sweet babies! Who’s thirsty today?” Arms opened wide enough to embrace an elephant, smiling like child finding a forgotten bag of candy, she greeted her beloved plants like that every morning in her sanctuary, “You never talk to us like that” I often thought.  Still, her devotion and joy was infectious.  

I could tell by the gradual neglect of her ‘babies’ that mom was beginning to fail. Because she could no longer wield the water bucket, my father lovingly installed a wall faucet and my husband bought her a new invention – a long water spray with an extra long hose.  The perfect gift! She could sit in her wheel chair and make the rounds. Isn’t it funny how the idea of a ‘perfect gift’ changes through the years?   

One day while helping her, she exclaimed “Oh my! Look, a new baby! I wondered if I would see it again” talking to a very temperamental African Violet who seldom bloomed. (Notice I said ‘who” not ‘that’ – I’d been converted)  Tears ran down her cheeks. One bud! Talk about life’s simple pleasures.   

I questioned her about the trade-off. “That’s a lot of work for a small gain, no? They only bloom once a year!”  

“You’re wrong, Shash. That’s the point of life - to bloom. It’s not how often, or how much, but just be sure you do.” I wrote it down, knowing that one day I would find a use for it.

"Bloom once a year or every day

Blossom appear in different ways

Sing out your song cuz you're in tune

                  Bloom." 

Enjoy my download of ‘Bloom’. It expresses how I feel now.

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  1. Bloom

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